Post-Op Month 1

December 3, 2004 (I am posting this while in pain so ignore all the type-ohs)

Got up at 4:45 and had my second medicinal shower. Bad habit-always ready too soon. We arrived at Victoria General at about 5:45 and waiting for the reception staff to arrive. I was called upon second and directed down to Daycare Surgery where I was assigned a cubical to disrobe. They had me take some antacid and I sat a few minutes waiting for my IV tech.

IV's have always been troublesome but she was the pro so I wasn't going to say anything until trouble appeared. I have nice big veins that have a tendancy of collapsing around the needle head. She tried a smaller needle to no avail. After four attempts I offered the vein on top of my right hand. She had no problems with that site (the anaesethsiologist monitors from your left side during operation.). I was given the first Heparin shot (ow sting) in what would be two a day. I immediatly bruised in all the failed IV sites.

7:00 o clock they came to wheel me up to the pre-operative holding room. I said my good-byes to Don with unreal calmness. I met up with my Anaes. on the third floor. Young Dr Murphy . Irish to the bone with the accent, red hair and blue eyes. He was happy to see I was going to have the Epidural. I warned him that Dr Amson was probably set against that but Murph said that it was ultimately the patients decision.Amson appeared during this conversation and the two appeared ready to go head to head over my body. Dr Amson , my Angel, relinquished and let the epidural go ahead. By 7:50 I was in operating corridor #4 hunched over as Dr Murphy was inserting needle between my vertibrae that would freeze my midsection (not my legs). They tied down my arms and gave me a happy drug. Lights out when the mask was put over my nose and mouth.

I woke in recovery to no pain and a very clear head. I did in fact start getting bored counting ceiling tiles and watching others come in from the operating rooms. One of the sweet nurses came in and said that if I was awake I would go up to the ward early and be rewarded with a private room. Waahoo. I was in my room and slid off my stretcher at 11:15.

Incision size is just over the length of a debit card other is my drain

I was somewhat pissed because I was determined to stay awake and alert until Don came in. The nurses could not find him anywhere. He sauntered in at 1:15. He had been to lunch with Kris and then watched a movie in the vehicle. He said he was confused with instructions on where to wait for word.

I know that first day I was feeling pretty cocky and alert. I enjoyed a short visit with Maureen and even watched some TV on the rented set.

They brought my evening meal and from that moment it became a struggle with food services. On the tray were beef broth, coffee, sugar and regular jello. I told the fellow that I can not ingest any caffeine or sugar. He had me write a note to the folks downstairs I licked the broth off the spoon and was enjoying the taste immensely. While I closed my eyes for five minutes they stole back the tray.

My angel Kris came up after this point bearing a dish of Source Yogurt. We had a nice visit and after she left a managed a couple of spoons down.

Before Nurse Susan goes off shift at 7 she checks my pain level. I tell he it is about 5 out of ten. She shoots something into my Epidural line. I am immedialty itchy and complaining. Don at this point has reason to belive that it is Moraphine as I have had such bad reactions to it before. I am itching my midsection so hard that I am bruising everywhere because I am on bloodthinners. The night nurse administers Benedryl all night. It keeps the itching at bay and I sleep well.

December 4

After allowing me water all night my sweet night nurse comes in at about 6 am and says whoops " no fluids after midnight because of todays swallow". I am still at this point confined to bed with my catheter, IV's and epidural. I am constantly telling them how much I want to get up and walk to avoid bloodclots. After the swallow and x-ray they assure me.

I have antsy in anticipation knowing that my kids and mom are coming today. Dr Amson visits and says that everthing went great and if I want to go home tommorow afternoon I may.

Lunch time comes and still no call for me to go to Diagnostic Imaging. They relent and tell me to have some lunch. The tray is once again a repeat of yesterday. At least I'll work on the broth. I get down a tablespoon or two.

I spot my family coming across the parking lot at the same time that Kris walks into my room. The day nurse Susan comes in and starts mother henning that visiting hours aren't until 3 pm I try to let her know that my family have travelled to see me and can't wait till 3 at the same time the Porter shows up to take me for the swallow. I am in a kerfunkel because I wanted to spend time with my children. They promise to come back in a while.

I get to Imagining and my day nurse is calling and asking where my family wnet because another member showed up (turns out to be Susan G in family disguise). I am handed the vile concoction and told how vile it will taste. There are about 300 ml and I am worried about how much I must ingest especially after having my broth. There are extra technicians in the booth because the gastric bypass is a new procedure in this hospital and they are there to see what the leak test is all about. I swallow a couple of mouthfuls while standing against the machine. Soapy tasting but I have the strength to pivot around as they are commanding. My blood pressure is still very low (averaging about 70/50 each day) and I am most afraid of fainting and splittting open. Just a few more swallows and it is over. I don't think I've consumed a quarter of the glass.

I am transported back all the way burping up this awful taste. I can't wait to rinse my mouth. I get back to my room and sit up to visit with Susan. Minutes into the conversation I am hit with a cold sweat and neusea. I am all to aware that I am going to vomit and I am scared of my stitches ripping. I wretch and wretch and poor Susan hold my head and wipes my face. The worse is over and she helps me into bed. I am so thankful that she was there at that moment.

After some time my family reappears. Paige is somewhat hesitant as she accidently gets a peak of my bright red drain bottle. Mom tells me that Kris has showed them her three week old scar. Paige will not be too freaked out by mine then when the time comes. We talked about the snow that is expected on Monday. I am determined to leave by Sunday afternoon then. After my family leaves the Susan the nurse comes in grumbling about the orders left by Dr Amson to unhook me from all my leashes. She is swearing under her breathe that it is too soon. She undoes everything except the epidural beacuse she says I should at least have a comfortable night. She is a tough one I tell you. Susan starts me up on my walking. I start to answer questions she has on Bariatrics and she starts to soften. My night nurses had attended info sessions with Dr Amson before but Nurse Susan had not.

My night tray shows up; coffee, sugar, sugered yogurt and broth. Kris comes back with Allora bearing a sugar free yogurt- thank you my angel. My magazines lay unopen, my TV barely watched ( I have it on with no volume) mostly I just lay and plan my next move.

December 5

Rachel my night nurse is in at 5 am to pull my epidural. It must be done an hour before my next shot of heparin. I lay anxious waiting to see what the pain level will be when the Epidural wears off. Can't be overally bad because I fall back asleep. Wake long enough for sting of heparin needle and back to sleep. I wake up at 7 am because Altzeimer man from down the hall has wandered in again. He stands and stares.

My breakfast tray arrives and to no surprise lays uneaten. Rachel scrounges a decaffinated teabag from her purse and the tea tastes blissful.

Mid morning I have a shower. Oh the feeling of shampoo in my hair. Nurse Susan would be so relieved to see my hair not standing at attention; in fact blowdried into place.

I ask what time I may be sprung from the hosptital and I am told as soon as I am ready. I shuffle around the hall in search of a public phone and interupt my mother's Christmas shopping. The sweat pants tthat were two sizes too big when I checked in are going on snug. I really am as round as I feel. By 12pm we are on the road. In Mill Bay I take my nurse up on her suggestion of a stop at Tim Hortons for Chicken Soup.

The trip including three walking/stretching stops turns into a 4 hour adventure. It was not intolerable.

As I am finishing this I am 6 days on the other side. Dr Amson is right in that everyday you are 100% better. There is pain but considering what has happened inside of me I am not miserable. I take my Tylenol 3 when it is bad. I sleep a lot. I have started walking. To a new telephone pole everyday is my goal. I am up to five telephone poles from home right now and that is enough.

My presurgery weight was 250. I came home weighing 257 with water gain. Today (Decemeber 8) I am around 240. I am still round as a beach ball but am of course still quite swollen. Once again I apologize for any spelling as I was writing in spurts as quick as I could. I will post my pre-op pics to my site as well as incision pics when I have energy to work at the downstairs computer. Now for a snooze.

December 10- one week out

Well considering I was sliced and diced one week ago I am doing pretty good. A scare myself a bit because I may be doing too much to start with instead of letting the healing process work. I need to pay heed or a will be on the waiting list for hernia repair.

My diet has been pretty smooth. Soups, yogurts, cream of wheat. Tonight I had Ricotta Cheese and a bit of Salmon Salad (Lite Mayo) and seem to be feeling uncomfortable. Don't know if it was a slight dumping on top of general exhaustion. Hoping this passes soon. I am running out of ideas for soft food. Tried to scramble egg whites the other night but the texture was so rubbery I was afraid to eat it and get them caught.

Anaesethsia is still being released from my body. I can't bear the smell of it at times. I do find myself getting blue (OK down right bitchy) at times but remind myself that this is common after having a general.

December 12

Was getting ready for church this morning. On a lark I tried on a dress I had bought for our wedding anniversary a couple of years ago. Afterwards I had accidently shrunk it in the wash (read the labels says my mother). I tried it on and be damned if it didn't fit me. I went and prompty weighed myself (i know ...don't be a slave to the scale). It stopped at 233. Todays sermon at church was Joy. I was beaming all the way through it.

December 15

Ventured outside my home today for lunch. I was feeling a little adventurous. Mom and I decided on a Fish and Chip place.

I ordered 2 grilled ( as opposed to deep fried) Oysters (hmm protein) and slaw on the side. I miss the Oysters in the form of a burger but enjoyed most of one of them as well as two bites of coleslaw. On my way to my daughters concert I took one of those melt on your tongue Listerine Breathe Fresheners (Cinnamin).

Felt strange about 10 min into the concert. Managed to see my daughters performance between three vomit runs ( how do my stitches not rupture?). Ralph all the way home ( its like being 19 again after the bar closes). At home I realize that Magnesium Citrate isn't the only thing that makes you go to the washroom like this. I had a two hours nap and feel week as a kitten.

I was going to head down Island to the support group meeting tonight I cannot gather the energy to go.

I am perplexed as to which thing caused me to dump. The oyster wasn't greasy I rolled it in a napkin to make sure. I am wondering if the breathestip did it.

Tonight I am back to liquids because I have literally had the s*&t scared out of me!

Diana J

SW 250

CW 227

GW 150

December 18

I went to Penningtons to buy something nice for my mother last night.

I picked out this very sophisticated pantsuit in a size 18. I couldn't resist sneaking it out of the bag this morning and seeing how far I had to go from a 24 to an 18. It was actually baggy on me. I went into a panic thinking they've tagged it wrong and frantically checked both tags. I was so worried that I took it to Mom to confirm that she wore a 18 ( sometimes 16 sometimes 18). She tried it on and it was fine. Guess I'll be trying to find something else for Mom now that I've blown that one.

Amazed, simply amazed.

December 20

I have hit my first plateau at 225. Weight hasn't changed for 4 days. Disappointing but if you know me, I want everything NOW. I know I should not be hopping on that scale. I should have someone hide it.

Exchanged Moms pantsuit for a size 16 on once again -it fits me (Penningtons is generous with their sizes).

I am sleeping on my side again -yyyyaaaahhh.Also weaning myself off of the T-3's because, well because they make me feel sooo good and they are constipating.

Feeling pretty darn good for 17 days out.

Dec 27, 2004

Well I think I made it through the tempting season relatively unscathed. I got a small sugar free chocolate bar in my stocking. I wish I could have made it last forever ; it smelled and tasted so good. I find myself almost disapointed when I finish my small plate of food; almost like I am mourning the ability to gorge. I was a little resentful that I couldn't indulge in dessert at the family x-mas dinner. I instead started on the dishes so I didn't have to watch others enjoying that pleasure. I am still sitting at 222-225. My Silver ring was falling off of me so am now wearing my Emerald size 8 ring whick is probably one or two sizes too big. Small pleasures!

January 7, 2005

So the scale was friendly this morning when it told me 215. I went shopping (consignment) for a couple of items. I bought size 16 jeans and a couple of size large sweaters. I was in disbelief so I went to Penningtons and came to the realization that most of the clothes there are too big for me. Holy crap...when did this dream come true? I went to Winners and tried a few of the designer collections stuff in an X-large. What a way to make you feel good. One of Don's and my friend who had not seen me since the day I came home from the hospital saw me and had to collect his jaw from the floor. Said I look like the girl he met 8 years ago.

Snowing like crazy here the last two days. Effecting my walking regime.Tonight Don took me to the auction and bought me a Weider/Weslo Treadmill. It retails for $800.00 so it was a steal for $180.00. Don is even considering taking a spin or two on it. I love that I can't use the weather as an excuse.

I am suppose to have my post-op check up with Dr Amson on Tuesday but they are predicting snow and freezing right through. Will have to figure if the trip is worth the stress.

January 11, 2005

I have actually started running on the treadmill. My goal is to run in the 10km this spring in Victoria. I cancelled my post-op appointment with Dr Amson today because we are expecting more snow and I don't want to be stranded away from home. Down to 212 this morning. Loss of 38 pounds in 5 weeks. Yeah me!

PS my psoriais has almost totally cleared up too. I will be able to wear short sleeves. It started to clear as my arthritis disapated.

January 17, 2005

Excruciating plateau!!!! Still 212/213. I go back to work in two weeks. I see Dr Amson tommorow.

January 18, 2005

Well as fate may have it I had my post-op check with Dr Amson today and he was running behind. I had the oppertunity to talk to another post-op (two weeks behind me) and another patient who was pre-op. We traded stories for the hour that he was behind. That is one thing about going to his office. We all have a common thread and freely share our experiences I am sure much to the annoyance of the cancer/general surgery patients.

Dr A was pleased with my progress. I am losing quickly for a light weight even considering my plateaus. He says not to push my running too much (this coming from someone with his own knee injury). My BMI was down to 35. I am no longer morbidly obese...just obese.

Tried eating a Taco Bell soft chicken taco on the way home. It left me naseus and bone tired. A terrible reaction. Its funny how I build up such anticipation for a food and then am always left disapointed.

January 19, 2005

Seven weeks after the fact I am still wrestling with Human Resources Canada trying to collect my sick benefits. We may have finally resolved the differences this morning and I may see a payment by this Friday. Pity the poor one income person who would have to get through convolence time and have to deal with the same stall tactics. Thank goodness I go back to work in less than two weeks and we can start dealing with the backlog of bills.

Psst don't say anything out loud but (knock on wood) maybe I am breaking from this latest plateau.

January 27, 2005

The plateau breaking on the 19th was only wishful thinking. I am afterall Queen Plateau. After a 16 day plateau I am down to 207. My goal was to be at 200 when I go back to work after a nine week leave of absence. I go back in 5 days so I am happy enough where I am. I am tring to make a conscience effort to get in more water but I just don't enjoy it the same as before amd frankly I am sick of all the crystal light flavours. I can tolerate most foods in small amounts but dislike anything that is over processed or chemicalized (i can taste it blech !).

I scour the thrift stores constantly for things to fit now and during the next size range. I have been reluctant to pack up all my old "fat clothes" because the fat girl in me is saying "what if?". I know that even if I "bounce back" when the weight loss is over, it will never be to this proportions. So get over it Diana and consighn those clothes! My second month pics will be taken in 6 days and I will get them up soon.

Here is a link to a cute posting from Maura on BC-WLS. Those who are post-op can appreciate a little Carb- humour http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/9588

February 2, 2005

All hail Queen Plateau! I am down a measly 2 pounds and think I will probably stay here through my period.

First time it has ever been a few days late but I suspect is just hormonal changes . My face is looking like I am revisiting puberty. Jeez it wasn't fun the first time.

Today was my third day back at work. My body is so beyond physically tired. I seriously question why I went back full time (mine is a physical job) instead of half days. Too late now..I''m back in their web. I broke down and cried at Paige's dance class. I am trying to cope and put on a happy face but I am frayed at the seams.

We took my 2nd month post-op pics a day early. Not a lot of change this month. I was told that it would a slow decent on account of being a "lightweight". Thirteen pounds is pretty paltry considering how hard I worked for them. Oh well enough complaining. I literally can't have my cake and eat it too!

February 6, 2005

I joined the Courtenay Rec Center after Danielle recommended it. They are open all hours (way more convenient than Curves), cost less, and they are a five minute drive from the house. I had a good workout today. No one stared at the fat girl so maybe I am starting to blend a little more. I was down to 203 today.

Tonight I had steak for the first time. Yum! It does sit a little heavy but still worth it. I am one of the fortunate ones that can eat meats early with no problems. There is one post-op who is just starting eat meat at 9 months out..

Some obeservations; It is odd to compare what I put in my shopping cart now as opposed to pre-op. Carrots relacing the chips Also funny that I have stopped sleep walking and eating in my sleep. Almost like my head was tinkered with at the same time that my stomach was done.

Feb 9, 2005

Drum roll please.... 200 today! Almost out of the 2's forever! My skinny friends reading this have idea what a milestone that is. It is an absolutlety devastating number to see on the weight climb up. I am now just under the weight I was when I conceived Paige. 50 pounds gone in eight and a half weeks ! Wahoo!

I gave away most of my old clothes so there is closure there too.

February 13, 2005 ( 72 days out )

Let me tell you what a fabulous morning it is today! Today the scale weighed in my favour ; 197 lbs. Thats 53 gone. There is such immense joy in knowing that I am approaching the weight of "normal" people.

Don and I celebrated Valentines yesterday. He bought me the most beautiful 3 foot high dried and silk flower arrangement. (Relatives this is when you cover your ears) <grin> Sex is, if it could be- is more wonderful. He is able to wrap his arms fully around me with ease and spends so much time just touching and exploring new curves. He is fully appreciative of all the changes occuring to me and lets me know continually how proud he is and in love he is. My lingerie drawer is brimming full and he keeps adding to it. We are fortunate that we went into this with a strong foundation of a relationship. There are figures as high as 50% of marriages that do not survive WLS. Love and trust are irreplacable.

February 20, 2005

One week later and I am still stuck at 197. A little depressing but at least it's not 250. We went down Island for Paige's bowling tournament (they took bronze..yeahhh) this weekend and spent two days trying on jeans. I envisioned something a little more trendy than a tapered leg which can make your butt and hips look massive ( you know aomesthing distressed with a little flare). At 5' 6" I am somewhere between petite and regular. The problem is that regular you are suppose to have legs like stilts. Designers, give me a break...we are not super models. Even funnier...all the ones I liked as I took them off the rack ended up being low rise. There are those two little fellas sitting on your shoulder while in the change room "c'mon loosin up...38 ain't that old...try something sexy" then the evil twin

mocking me on with " you think that 38 year old ass of yours is gonna look good in a thong!". And so I put them back shamefully wishing I had the hutzpa to pull it off. I got to bask in the fact that they were size 15/16 Ikeda's at Sears for those two minutes I was wearing them. And so as jeans day Friday approaches I am stymied at what I will wear. I cannot bring myself to pay full price for great jeans that I will only wear for a month.

A little discovery of mine this weekend is that Starbucks makes my beloved Mocha Frappacino in a lite (made with sucralose). Skip the Whip cream and thow in the protein powder and I have a nice little once in a while treat! I just have to up the water intake to counterbalance the caffeine intake. God finally something that tasted decadent!

See note on March 8, 2005

February 23, 2005

Energy level is sustaining pretty well. I am terrible for not remembering to take my suppliments but I have always been that way. Would start a vitamin bottle and find it after it expired. If I was feeling really crappy physically I would probably be scared into remembering.

194 this morning (- 56 pounds) and next week will be my third month out. I am doing the lightweight crawl downwards. I knew it would be a slow decent, so why do I stress about it?! Everyone want to see those big numbers and see change now! I come to terms with every plateau. If this would be the end (impossible but just hypothetically) would I be content with the weight loss I have achieved. The anwer is now always yes.

Michele popped by to say "Hi" at the store yesterday. She told me that a friend of hers is looking to partially lease her horse (Appaloosa...always my fave!!!). Michele asked if I was thinking of getting back into riding as her friend needs someone who is willing to take it out on the trails. That's all I dreamed about last night. That and kayaking again were right up there on my "have to take up again list".

Look at me Dad....I am starting to live again! Wish you were still with us to partake in my joy.

February 27 (88 days out)

60 pounds gone ! I think I may be able to get to goal (150) by Christmas. With it all slowing down that means only having to lose five pounds a month. So far no hair loss (knocking on wood furiously). It is usually at the three month marker that that begins to happen. It is attributed to fast loss and lack of protein.

Yesterday Don and I went out to Mulligans to the driving range to hit a few balls and to see how it would feel exercising a different set of muscles. All you could hear from my stall was "swoosh...oh shit...swoosh...oh shit.." I finally started connecting again and still beat Don through his bucket. I am amazed at the energy bursts I do get. I said to Don as we were leaving lunch that sometimes I just feel like running. So after coming home and baking for a family dinner tommorow night (licking out the bowl is tummy upsetting wrong) I decided to book a lane and go bowling with Mom and Paige. Well sitting here this morning I realize that I have pretty much abused every set of muscles in my body.

Today I may get to meet "Hawk" the Appy and spend some time with Michele before sitting down to an intimate family dinner of 40. What are restful weekends?

Slow and steady like the tortoise. In a month I am going to be doing the 10KM again. Last year I did it in 1 hour and 46 minutes. I have pledged to those who are sponsoring me that I will personally donate $50.00 of my own to Y.A.N.A. (the charity for whom the 10Km is benefitting) if I don't comlpete it in under an hour this year. That should light a fire under my proverbial butt!

March 3, 2005

I was shopping for chocolate bunnies for the charity raffle basket at work and my mouth was watering. That time of the month and the urge for chocolate became intolerable. I went down to the pharmacy dept and bought a small sugar free chocolate bar. I ate perhaps half of it. An hour later I dumped like I havn't dumped before. I was literally hating myself and wanted to leave work and crawl in a hole. Heart was palpitating, mouth was cotton dry, I was dizzy and headachy. It is not a physical feeling that you can distract yourself from. And then two hours later the "gas" begins. You know...clear the room cause I can't even stand myself ( really Diana...how couth to be talking this subject!) I cannot even fathom craving chocolate again. Good timing with Easter approaching. On the postive side. My gall bladder pain seems to be subsiding again. Probably just grit again like 2 years ago. IT IS ALL WORTH IT....IT IS ALL WORTH IT..

March 8

I went to Starbucks this morning under the pretense of getting a Frappacino Lite regardless of the fact that the last one left me feeling nauseus. Short term memory. I had a chance to talk to the Barista to confirm that the syrup is sugarfree. She told me it was not totally sugar free. The only sugar free syrups they have are hazlenut and vanilla which they can do hot or cold drinks with. Well doesn't that just suck the decedence out of my life! The vanilla latte is good but not naughty, good tasting.

Off to church this morning. For potluck I am taking my version of asparagus cordon bleu. Blanched spears wrapped in swiss cheese and ham slices and drizzled with a light cheese sauce (bake at 350 for 20 minutes). Really yummy and my six year old is crazy about them.

Down sixty one pounds this morning . Have broken into the 180's. Having a hard time finding something to wear for Paige's baptism. Cannot justify paying $50.00 for a skirt I'll wear twice and cannot seem to find anything in consgnment.

I am experiencing some pelvic pain by the end of my work shifts as I walk. It's almost like I don't have proper rotation in my joints. I don't know if this is happening because I've lost muscle mass too. My rib (which was dislocated as a baby) also pains me too. When I go to the Chiroproactor he is able to pop it back in, but it is out within the hour. I don't know why they didn't give me trouble 61 pounds ago. Things I guess I should bring up to Dr Amson at my next appointement. I am within a couple of pounds of being just "over weight". Not morbidly obese or even plain obese any more. Wow ...mind boggling.

March 10, 2005

Today I got some incredible news. It's certainly been the year for that. I am going to be a Grandma (step nana). Like I didn't have enough neurosis about turning 39 in two weeks. L is only 20 and has been with A for 5 years. Had hoped that she would wait but what is done, is done. Must have been a cold winter in Edmonton. Started shopping for future baby at lunch.

After work I went to Winners still hoping to find something to wear for my daughters baptism. On a whim I took 3 different size 14 dresses to try on (not much else bigger there). What followed was a "holy crap" moment. They all fit. Not snug. Just right. I have a bit of a roll for a tummy still but it was not noticeable. Awesome. Was down to 186 this morning.

March 20, 2005

My evil 16 year old son and I did a third of the 10km course today. When did by kind supportivr child turn into a drill sergeant? Evil!!! We finished it in twenty minutes and if I had the strength to catch him right now I would strangle him. I know I have bit off a lot hoping to do the whole thing in 1 hour. If I could just get my muscles built up a bit I might have a fighting chance. Challenge is good but I may be parting with 50 of my own dollars to charity.

Down to 184 as of this morning. As of today I am no longer "obese". I am merely overweight. Gosh that title I will embrace.

I found a nice dress for next Sunday. It does not resemble a tent like ones I was forced to wear in the past that covered from neck to ankles. I will try to post a picture of all of us next Easter Sunday.. This coming from someone who has put off getting a family portrait done for the last nine years.

It's cliche but people treat you differently when you are lighter. On the flip side, we as "losers" hold our heads a little higher and do not put walls around ourselves anymore. We are more accesible emotionally because we are not second guessing what people are thinking about us. Well enough pyschobabble. I think I hear my son close by...if I pretend to be asleep I may catch him off guard!

March 21

Sugar is bad. Sugar causes dumping. Even one bite can cause discomfort. What am I one one those lab rats that keeps going back to get the electric shock! I Diana, promise not to do stupid things...I, Diana promise not to do stupid things...I, Diana promise not to do stupid things...

I see Dr Amson in two days for my next post-op appointment.

March 24

I saw Dr Amson today. Joy, Joy I am down 70lbs on his scale. It was a long two hour wait for my five minutes with him as he was running predictibly late. I have to have my gall bladder ultrasounded again and when he gets the results we will discuss a game plan. Hoping it is something that can be controlled with bile salts as I really do not want to miss anymore work now that I am back in the groove. Lisa E was there for her appointment and I was taken with the changes in her face already.

I did some shopping at Value Village. Thought I would pick up some 14's for the next phase. Found some brand new Gap dress pants and "surprise" , they fit now. I also picked up some new looking Bluenote Jeans (Bay brand I believe). I didn't clue in on the tag when it said Bikini. I guess if I had tried them on I would have found out that that is about as far as they go up- Bikini! They sit as far as the pelvic bone. Don just nods his head. I guess they will be indoor pants. While in the malls I would tenativley stroll into "normal size" stores and still feel like I don't belong there. Silly because they have my sizes. It still feels very foreign. I can't make myself try stuff on there yet in case it dosen't fit. Couldn't face those tiny clerks yet. Its all just a pyschological thing that I will have to get over. Good day but I am drained.

Easter March 27

March 31, 2005

Well I turned 39 yesterday.No amount of whining could stop that. Admittidely I feel better at 39 than I did 31-38. Don took the family out to Monte Christo's and stubbornly I tried the oysters. I was in the ladies room for the rest of the evening honking. When we got home I curled up into the fetal postion in bed and my family quietly came in and offered my sugar free cheesecake smartly decorated with only 5 candles and a tentative rendition of HB. So I had it for breakfast. There is protein in cheese right?!

We do the 10Km in three days. Careful Priscilla...the river is right there...and then I will have the all clear to head to Arkansas lol ! Will update my results to you all on Saturday.

April 2, 2005

The day started out beautifully and was promising for a 10 km challange. By the time we gathered for the 10 am start the storm clouds were rolling in and the wind was gusting to 60km/hr. Shelley P stuck with me and motivated me along until the last lap when I let her run ahead and she challanged herself. It was tough and my legs and arches were screaming at me.It was about then that the heavens opened up and the rain began. Last year I finshed it in an hour and 46 min. This year I did it in an hour and 20. I will end up donating some money but in the end know that I gave it my all. On the lunacy side of everything we are all serious about entering a team in the 24 hour Relay for Yana in July. Must be the adrenaline talking. I need to go and get in the hottub now so I can regain feeling in my frozen extremities. Thanks to all who sponsored me today.

April 3, 2005

Fourth month anniversary today. I am sitting at 177. That is a 73 pound loss in four months. Will post the picture in the post-op album.

April 9, 2004

I can fully understand how easy it would be to take on anorexic thoughts (as a post-op). I can also fully understand the need for council should those tendancies arise. Case in point; two days ago I was weighing in at 180 again. I went into panic mode. "Oh my God! I am going to fail at this too". Stupid thinking really. I am eating more than I was two months ago. But not gluttony. Still well below what a normal woman would eat. In all actuality there is a 5 pound fluctuation every day. It depends what time I weigh at, if I've had a bowel movement (post-op it can be every three days or so), how much water I have had or not had. I said I would not be a slave to the scale but I think that in daily weighing I am keeping it real. I didn't weigh for many years as a means of self denial and look what happened.

I am still critical of body image. Naked all I see are fat deposits. Not that I don't see improvement but as a woman I am still overly critical. There is at least 40 more poundsI could lose and/or firm up. Bat wings, inner thighs, panni. I need to accept these. I did promise myself that if I could lose the weight I would not fret about plastic surgery and that I would wear the hang like a battle scar. We'll see.

It feeds the ego to hear the comments "Wow you look great" or "Hey Skinny" . The same comments being issued when I had Bulemia. The more praise , the further I went. This time around I am listening less to other people and more to my inner voice.Finding contentment and resigning to where I may end up. If I didn't lose another pound I would be OK with who I am today.

Well it is sunny out and my need to spend time with my family beckons me. Bye for now.

PS I was always forgoing my B-12 because it always took about 20 minutes for the sublingual tablet to dissolve (not absorbed in the intestines). I know sad excuse. I bought the Jamieson strip form today and they melt on your tongue in 10 seconds (like the breathe strips). I need to get that B-12 in to help in the production of red blood cells and ward off anemia. Now if they would only come up with melt on the tongue protein!

April 17, 2005

I am ready to take out my own Gall Bladder. I am in such pain and feeling sick so often. In feeling so sick I am not drinking the water I need also and my kidneys are bearing the brunt of that. Unless you are jeundice in pallor or your eyes turn yellow it pretty much is not an emergency and you become a number in line. I thought last night was going to be it for me and was ready to drive myself to the hospital at 2:30. But I don't want to go back there and be sent home so I am waiting for that 8 on the pain scale.

While I was home sick for a couple of days this week I found myself actually grazing probably out of bordom and because I have access to food as opposed to being busy on the salesfloor.Obviously I have a problem listening to that inner voice when I really need too. Even with the bad behaviour I am down to 174. Would probably be more substantial if I had the energy to exercise. I just feel like I am on the wrong side of the health coin right now. I am doing pretty well with the weightloss as the predictor graph had me at 187 five months out (which is still weeks away). My BMI is only a couple of pecentage points off of normal. Wow its been a long time since I have been "normal"!

April 22, 2005 Graphic content (Sure now I have your attention).

Yesterday (and today) I did some strenous yardwork. This is a fair size yard and had years of neglect before we bought it in the fall. Kept myself good and hydrated. Went to bed and before I fell asleep I had myself pretty convinced that I was ravenous. I decided to have some granola that I had bought. It only had 5 grams of sugar per serving (equal to the cheerios that I tolerate well enough). Well I chowed that down and headed off to bed. I had barely closed my eyes when i was awoken with rolling movement in my midsection. I felt "odd". Almost like when I was having panic attacks. As I sat on the toilet I felt my hands and feet go cold and numb and was sure I was passing out (all the while calling out and trying to wake my sleeping giant!). I could at the same time hear and feel water leaving other parts of my body and decending on my small intestine. It was the strangest sound. It was like a dam breaking and I swear I didn't even poop like that in the hospital. I was in there so long that I was falling asleep on the throne. I have not dumped that violently. Anybody out there able to explain dumping on granola to me? Anyone else experience it?

Must have "lost" that extra pound last night. Down to 173

April 23, 2005

April 26

Dr Braileys office called and booked another appointment for me to discuss the findings from the ultrasound. Please tell me there is relief in sight!

April 29, 2004

Last night I broke down and spent the night at the Emergency Room. I have been diagnosed with several Gallstones and full of sludge. The immflamation is so bad that my ribs are constantly sore and there is a searing heat pain below my shoulder blade. Sometimes it just hurts to breathe let alone move. They pumped me full of Demerol and Gravol and while the feeling was there, it was tolerable.

I went to see Dr Brailey this morning and he is putting in an urgent request to Dr Tien because he and I don't see the point of trying to book in with Dr Amson in Victoria. He does the procedure lapriscopically so the mend time is much less.Four more little holes in my tummy. I wish I had a concrete timeline but it all depends on OR times. So once again I am playing the waiting game. I am just so cranky ,sore and quick tempered to the dismay of my family. I am missing too much work and the guilt there is unbelievable. It just all piles up. Would I do the Gastric Bypass all over again??? Yes, but I would stress several times pre-operativly the history of the sludge and insist that the Gall Bladder was taken out then. Be your own advocate...isn't that what I was always stressing!

May 2, 2005

I had a paticularily bad weekend but was determinded to get up this morning and go to work. Last night the itching started. The itching is related to the bile seepage (pruristis). It is like having chickenpox again without the spots. Rubbed myself until I was bruised. By 5 am my gall bladder was in teeth gritting pain and Don was taking the brunt of my bearing down on him. He sedated me with a double dose of Tylenol 3 antihistamine and Gravol, called me in sick to work and made another appointment with my PCP.

I saw Dr B this afternoon. I am pretty swollen at the site; right against my ribs. I have a tendency to hold my breathe when in pain which only attributes to me feeling faint. He says it is unrealistic to think about working a physical job (lifting) or even being on my feet for eight hours. On top of that he prescribed the narcotic Percocet because Tylenol 3 is not taking off the edge during the attacks. The Percocet leaves me legally impaired. I told him that I don't want to be in limbo and need to know when I am going in for surgery. He said that my file went to the surgeon marked ASAP and that I should start calling the sugeon in two days and advocate my case. In the meantime he put me on indefinate medical leave which would be almost WAHOO except I can't do anything because of the pain and the impairment. So sleep it is. Sleep until my Prince Surgeon wisks me away.

May 6, 2005

Exasperation...they are trying to tell me that I won't get a surgical consult till July 4th. I will have taken my own gall bladder out by then.

May 15, 2005

May 7th Paige had her birthday party . I held it together, arranged, consoled and did all the motherly things expected. After the last child left, the garbage was cleared and presents were put away I checked into Emergency.. No three hour wait this time. They immedietly started an IV and pain meds. They also told Don they were keeping me for the night. For three days I stayed on a stretcher in the hall of Emergency (albeit I had a curtain around me).Another painful ultrasound ensued. Mothers day consists of a brief five minute visit with my family. On night three I had a breakdown and was redfaced bawling. I couldn't understand how others who came after me were being put up to the wards and I was still there wating for a surgeon to see me. I guess the right nurse was there to witness my breaddown. I was whisked to a Daycare Surgery Ward "at least for the night". It had been days of Morophine, Demerol and Buskapan before Dr Tien the sugeon saw me the next morning. I am full of many small stones gallstones and slated for surgery the next day whenever they can find a slot for me. Until then there is still no more drinking or eating because the swollen nature of the organ is a concern for Lap surgery. Five days of no food. Think of the headache.

The day of surgery is a little hazy because of the frequency that the demerol is being administered. I am told by a nurse that I should be going in at three in the afternoon. I was wheeled into the OR at 11 PM. The Laparoscopic Cholecystectomy "goes well'. They missed some stones that went into the tract but hope that they pass with little effort. If not I am informed that they will put a scope down my throat and grab them out of the GI tract. The next morning I am chipper, my skin colour is no longer a yellow hue and I am walking laps of the halls . I tell both doctors how amazing I feel. My nerves have not come to life yet. Day six is pretty damn uncomfortable. I am having difficulty moving. poor stomach muscles have seen it all- Cesarean, Roux-En-Y and now this. I am told that I can be released on day 7. I would much rather be at home in pain than here with all the noise and interuptions (do we just forget how disruptive it really is in a home with kids?). Day 7 it takes a lot of conjoling to get my PCP to release me. He figures my pain level is still to high and my hydration is still dependant on the IV. My eating consists of two bites of this, two bites of that.

I am at home. Like the bypass healing is a little more each day. I lost ten pounds in the hospital even with all the fluids they pumped into me. I now sit at 164 lbs with a belly that looks like I am pregnant. I am a slave to track pants right now. Don bought me a new set of pajamas and I was dejected to see he brought home a medium. I tried them on to humour him and darn if they didn't fit!

Well this has tuckered me out. Talk to you all soon!

May 20, 2005

I am healing. My energy levels are still quite low. I have kicked the wonderful clutches of the pain pills before they run out (knowing my addictive personality). The pain is tolerable and the swelling is receding. Damian (my manager) has me returning to work on the 30th. I was going to go back the 23rd but the extra week is

probably a blessing as I picked up a cold in the hospital. Intially I had some trouble kickstarting my bowels afterwards but now it seems all systems are a go.

The 18th was Don's and my 9th anniversary.We are going to escape Saturday for the day and night. He has a Sweetheart Package booked in Nanaimo. That will give me some time to scour the consignment stores for the next size down - 12's yeahhhh 32 waists. Far cry from the 44's. I actaully had the sifting through my sons drwaers to find some baggy tshirts to get through the first few post operative days this time. I now put on my old baggy pajama's and am awed at how I am eclispsed. Who knew the changes would be so fast. 5 months. I could sit content at this weight, belly , batwings and all. My intial goal was 150 lbs by Christmas. I think I'll get there!

May 22, 2005

Had a nice romantic getaway. I had the oppertunity to go shopping at the mall. Man what a high. Now you lucky ones reading this who have always been thin cannot understand what doors have been opened to me. I can walk into a Le Chateau now and not have the young clerks look at me in ridicule. Now they offer to start me a fitting room. Go into a lingerie shop and be able to actually have a choice. To walk among other shoppers and be anonimous. Not stared at. Shopping is a thrill and I am so enjoying just trying things on.

We had a romantic dinner for two. Really what a waste of money on me for the amount of food I really consume. Went out on a limb and ordered a bitter apple martini that the waiter said wasn't too sweet. Oh...tooo good! After we went for a wlk on the waterfront promonade and from there it really is none of your business!!!!! Here are pics of Don and I on our walk. Sadly we didn't get one together.

May 30, 2005

And who said "Rome wasn't built in a day...?" These last two days I have sweated and laboured like I have never done so before. Don , BJ and I cleared our yard of rock ( did I mention we live on a hill hence the predominance of said rock) and laid down 2500 square feet of sod in our back yard. I could not have got through it 90 pounds heavier. Think of trying to lug 9 bags of potatoes tied onto your body. Thanks to the weekend of slave labour and a pretty good wipe out on my bike, there is not a limb on my body that is bruise free. Now to tackle that front yard!

Today I go back to work after 3 weeks of illness, surgery and recoup. While I was wide awake for 5 o clock rising it is with great trepidation that I ready myself to go. Benefits are what keep me plugging away full time. I would gladly split my time more evenly between a part time job and my family. Well no more stalling. Of I go.

I will try to take my 6 month pics and post them next week.

June 1, 2005

Happiness is...buying your 2nd two piece bathing suit....24 years later!

June 5, 2005

I am not allowed to postpone any longer. I am looking for venues for a North Island Support Group. If you think you would be interested in attending a support group once a month for approx 1 hour- 1.5 hours please contact me at don.diana.johnson@shaw.ca with your phone number and email address.

I want to thank Kris for turning me onto the fact that Cozyshack puts out a no sugar formula of their awesome Rice pudding (you know the good one in the cooler dairy section!). That was one of my "last treats" as a pre-op. They do it in little 4 oz individual cups whick limit the amount of the treat. Yum!

June 7, 2005

Had a bad scare last night. For the second time. I was in pain from a very physical day at work and took a T-3. Not before I ate though as the other night I had terrible pain when I had taken one of my Percocet. Well last night an hour after I took the Tylenol I was doubled over in pain. Intestinal pain as it had already cleared my pouch by then. I drank some milk and ten minutes later found some relief as it moved from the irritated spot. Two more times in two different intestinal spots I was doubled over and groaning. I am a little worried to say the least. I am afraid that my PCP does not know my system like Dr Amson does. Perhaps I should just fax Dr Amsons office and have him advise my family doctor before I book in there? Don't want to step on anyone's toes but I don't want to be spending unneccasary time in the hosptial again this year! Has anyone else experienced this?

Bright side if there is one...I'm at 160.

June 8, 2005

North Island WLS Support Group had officially been launched. Yeahhhh!. We will be meeting on the last Saturday of each month from 10- 11:30 am in the old 1938 Board Room of St Joseph's Hospital in Comox. Spouses or a family member are welcome to attend.

June 10, 2005

I had the nicest message on my answering machine from Dr Amson himself. He let me now that he got the notification of the NI WLS and was happy to see it get put together so quick ( yeah after about 10 months of stalling on my part! lol). He also let me know that he had a chance to visit this site and do some reading. He has been giving out this address to other folks up this way. It is turning into a wonderful way to meet my peers. He told me to keep up the good work and of course to "keep up the exercise!". Don found me a virtually new recumbant exercycle at a garage sale today. the bedroom is starting to look like a gym with bike and treadmill !

I am down to 158. That is three pounds from the century club. Like Danielle and Natalie said "I've lost like a Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen !"

June 18, 2005

The difference one year makes

June 25, 2005

Shouting for all to hear <<<<100 POUNDS LOST, GONE, VANISHED WAHOOO!!!!!>>>>

What an accomplishment. I would never have guessed that it would have come off this fast. And believe me...I'm not complaining! There I was climbing up 12 feet into my backyard cherry tree today with Don just shaking his head in disbelief (after all those precious fruit are 2.99 a pound at the grocery store!). Six months ago I would have cut down the tree to get to them lol.

We had our inaugeral NIWLS meeting this morning. I was a little nervous and apprehensive. We all were. It was relaxed and the conversation was very open. I think it is a great start for a promising group. Support has certainly evolved in the three years since I started this whole process. And none of this would be as succesful without a support network. On that postive note...I am off to the driving range to whack a few balls!

July 21, 2005

Ok, ok I have not posted in a while and enough of you have given me heck. I am sitting pretty much at goal ( 2 pound fluctuation). I was aiming for 150 intially but now that I am here wouldn't mind another 10 or 15 (isn't that just like a woman). I am wearing a 10/12 or a junior 11 jeans. i am a little self conscience of the fact that those extra 10-15 pounds I am carrying are right in the panni (belly) but who am I to bitch about 10 pounds. I used to want to throttle those little stick women that complained about 10 pounds!

My energy level is unbelievable. I used to come home from work and just fall into the couch. Now I am puttering here and there. My feet and knees no longer throb and ache. I have not had a panic attack or arthritic pain in an aweful long time. My heart no longer feels like it is going to explode under the smallest of exhertion. I used to perspire and drip under my hair at work. Now it takes unloading a pallet of 50 pound litter bags to make me break a sweat.

I have my set backs. I am getting up just after falling asleep and rummaging the kitchen for something to eat (in my sleep again!). There is not a lot of junk food in this house anymore so at least my subconcious choices are better. I need to talk to my respirologist about this and get a sleep study done as he was concerned about this pre-op. A treat for me these days is a sugar free, fat free blended ice mocha. I get more satisfaction out of one of those rather than the fat free, sugar free ice creams. I have not found one of those that is really pallatable to me.

There are those days when I longfully gaze at a co-workers Big Mac and drool. The smell of fries can drive me around the bend. But the five minutes of eating pleasure is not worth the set back....at least that is the tape I have playing in my brain.

This Saturday is the third annual WLS picnic. I hope to post some updated pics and will catch you up soon. We are off camping tommorow. Yeahhhh.

August 11, 2005

I have had quite a few emails asking what kind of foods I eat now and in what quantitites. At 8 months post op my appretite has increased. I eat maybe a lucheon plate size meal. A cup to a cup and a half perhaps. I am not one of those who logs all my calories but I do concentrate on low fat and sugar free. I am aware of the tendancy to lean towards anorexia (some post-ops) and I am not going there. I eat healthier choices. I opt for the side salad or the veggies and finish my protein first. My carbs are always whole grains. I don't deny myself the treat but it is that...a treat. A bite of whatever Don is having. Most of the time I'm left thinking hmmm I really wouldn't have wanted more of that. There are some days that I want a soft serve ice cream so bad that I would be willing to tackle my children for it, but skinny feels better than soft serve tastes! That and I don't want to be sitting on a toilet paying for having that one little cone. And trust me some days I pay for my bad choices by spending half the day on the throne.

And the answer to the other frequently asked question is "yes...sex is awesome!" A big sorry to my Aunties out there reading this! There is nothing worse for your sex life than low self esteem. No one wants a bad review in bed. I have always had a healthy sexual appitite ( and yes low self esteem guided me into some really bad self destructive relationships)...but darn it if Don isn't reaping the benefits of my increased self esteem. No complaints from that boy I'll tell you. 110 lbs changes sex entirely. The whole sex industry caters to the smaller crowd and wahoo I am a part of that smaller crowd.. There is nothing more gratifying than making your husband drool. And ladies...A drooling husband gives you a little more power with that "Saturday morning honey- do list". The key is having a strong relationship prior to the weight coming off. He has been a rock for me. Everyday he tells me that I am beautiful. He looks past my crepe skin and deflated boobs. I am not body parts to him but an entire entity who he had loved through thick and thin. One of the most thrilling moments for me was when he scooped off of my feet and carried me "away". I have never been carried over the threshold. And for him to say "there's nothing to me" only got him bonus points!

Statistically weight loss surgery is hard on marriages. Many have settled in marriages that they feel they were only worthy of as a fat person. As a skinny person they re-evaluate their worthiness and often decide to walk or to cheat. So if you are contemplating this surgery...go into it with healthy mental attitudes. Council before, during and after if you feel it may be an issue. Love is the key.. and a little lust doesn't hurt!

Sept 3, 2005

Happy 9 month anniversary to me! I have updated the pictorial.

September 5, 2005

With the kids begrudgingly packing knapsacks for tomorrow the unofficial end of summer is upon us. I am so happy that squeezed into a busy working summer I was able to accomplish a lot of "firsts or not in a long times". I finally went on a ride that goes upside down when I visited the PNE. I rode many rides without worrying about weight restrictions. In one case the attendant was worried about getting the restraint small enough. I was running ahead like a dog coaxing my family to catch up.

I did the the waterslides effortlessly and rode the fast go carts at Saratoga speedway wihout raising any eyebrows. I walked, ran, golfed, swam, camped, biked but most of all felt alive. Thank you lord for giving me this second chance.

The second chance at a new wardrobe is a nice bonus albeit darn expensive. What pre-ops don't realize is that you have to replace EVERYTHING; pants, tops , undies, bras, belts, shoes, socks PJ's, jewelery. Nothing stays the same size or shape. For the first time in my life I bought a pair of size 28 jeans. I have never (excepting childhood) been this small. I sit at 143 pounds. I am happy here. I know that if the plastic surgery fairy visited me I could probably have 5 or so pounds of skin removed. Don says its nothing a little duct tape couldn't disguise.AHhhh my hero!

As I gaze at the ski mountain from my bedroom window here I am already planning some winter adventure. The Ozone Tube run is calling my name and I think I might even try to strap on a snowboard for the first time. Perhaps a lesson or two first and and a supplimental life insurance policy beforehand!

Sept 10, 2005

Have strangely dumped on foods that I have eaten before with no problems. Just when you think you have this tool figured out...poof. Bad food choices leave me profoundly tired or with a twisting, grumbling gut but I am that silly child who goes back and sticks his finger in the lightswitch because he forgot how uncomfortable it really is! Once again I re-iterate..they fix your tummy but not your head...thats up to you to fix!

Had a good weekend now I sit here knowing that I need to get off my butt and go for a walk/run. One of my bestest girlfriends got engaged this weekend and asked me to be matron of honor. Need to work on these bat wings in order to put on a slinky gown! Perhaps it will be a run with some weights on!

Sept 14, 2005

Today Don and I became first time Grandparents to a baby girl. Lianne and Arthur names her Cassandra Dawn. Wish we could hop on a plane today.

September 27, 2005

A post from Dr Amsons site

TOP 10 INNER-PERSONAL BENEFITS OF WLS

FREEDOM

Freedom from shame, guilt, ridicule, embarrassment, and worry.

Freedom to move without pain and struggle.

Freedom from the control of food.

Freedom to dream without limitation.

PEACE OF MIND